I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this blog post for about…a week now, I suppose. Now that I have a lovely eight days till my next and final exam, I think I should sit down and start typing and hope for the best.
My self-esteem’s been taking a kick lately. I internalize negativity – be it negativity around me, my frustrations, my anger, my worries and my stress – and I turn it against myself. Mostly, it’s my body receiving the negativity. I hate feeling angry so I make myself feel like a horrible human being instead. I convince myself that I’m ugly, that I’m selfish, that I deserve to be hated and that my friends all secretly despise me. I tell myself that my family puts up with me for the sake of family. No more. I’m stupid, I’m a show-off, I’m shallow.
There’s many reasons as to why I put myself through such punishments, but those aren’t relevant to this post.
I want everyone who feels like I do to remember something very, very important. When you feel that itch, that temptation to hate yourself, take a step back and breathe. And then put on some music. Put on your favorite song, the one that gets you excited for the day, that fills you with anticipation and motivation, and start singing along. When that’s done, pick up a book you love and watch it. If you don’t like books, watch a movie you love, or an episode of Doctor Who (or any other show!) that cheers you up. Or google “cute baby animals” and just die in the subsequent squealing fit!
If you’re on good terms with your family, seek them out and cuddle for a little while; or if they’re away, sent them a message or an email telling them how much you love them. Do the same with your friends – if anyone’s around for a chat, do so.
I was in a pretty bad way last night and something that helped me a lot was decorate my Sims’ house! If being creative helps, then be creative! Fingerpaint if you like the feeling of being messy, or if you like precision, then do some needlework if that’s around! If you want a slightly more destructive channel for your frustration, play a video game and blow some crap up.
If someone else is as tense as you, then seek comfort in them but if that’s too difficult for you, then please, remove yourself from that environment as soon as you can. The last thing you need is more negativity to internalize. Instead, exude love and happiness for everything.
Just, please, don’t hurt yourself. Don’t indulge in destructive habits. Don’t starve yourself – don’t be like me – because the feeling of hunger will make you feel worse in the long run. Nibble biscuits if food is too much for you. But don’t starve yourself.
I realize this post is mostly rambling, but it’s something I’ve wanted to get out for a long time now because I, myself, am in a very…either/or kind of way.
Blogging is my outlet, even if it is disjointed.
I want to end on one final note: know that, when you feel lonely and secluded, that you are loved. You are always loved. Be it your family, your friends, your god(s) if you believe in one, but you are loved.
And for what it’s worth, I love you too!
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